Yes mixed emotions would be right to describe how I feel right now. One thing is for sure this blog has helped me manage (Or lets say vent) my emotions.

2009 was a year I rebuilt my company from zero to a 14 people company. Recession had left its marks and two of them were the marks from the stitches on my hand which I banged against a glass wall when I had to lay off people in my company in 2008. Going 2 steps back after you have just taken 1 step forward is a painful exercise and I did it and I lost my cool. Overall the learning was great. I guess pain and suffering makes you a better human being and I came out a better human being from that exercise.

2009 was also the year I attended and conducted my own events. Met a lot of people and heard their stories, ambitions and plans. I must admit as life moves on and I do more of one thing at my work Im starting to become cynical. I guess knowing a lot of something is as bad as knowing little or maybe worse.

2009 was also the year I made fewer friends. Yes.. while my career rocked I made fewer friends in 2009. I committed myself to my work and the people it required me to deal with and thats that. Somewhere Im lonelier than I was or maybe the same that I was in 2008. How do I feel? Not great but I guess one learns to accept. One of the things I learnt is acceptance is a great way of letting go and also of letting things be.

All in all 2009 was a year i worked very hard, sold a lot of stuff, met a lot of people but it wasn’t a beautiful year.

It was a year that passed away too quickly without me having any special moments that I will remember forever. And someone offlate told me that its better to be a billionaire of moments than a billionaire with lots of money..

Hope Ill be able to change that in 2010.

He had done all this with people from diverse countries like china, russia and even pakistan..

I was intrigued even further when I realised that those 2 years he had no access to news of any kind i.e. no news papers, no tv, no radio absolutely nothing. He would only get some access when they would dock their ship and that wasn’t too often or for too long..

My instant question to him was why did he leave that job.. such an adventurous job? and join IIM’s? I mean what a contrast..

I soon realised that too much of anything isn’t adverture.. adventure is about attempting newer things every day,. its about venturing into the unknown.. Yes travelling to new places is adventurous.. But so is starting a new business or scaling a company from scratch..

I realized that the thrill of starting something new or seeing something new is similar.. I also made a promise to myself that one day I would sail across the world and see what the swiss canal looks like and how cold is siberia..

Adventure is beautiful.. Even as a thought in my head

As soon as she left dad fell sick.. He has fever.. gave him a hug.. and he spoke for about half an hour about all the things he regrets in life.. I just heard him all the while.. My dad was a very ambitious man – still is.. but fate and in many cases luck ran out on him and as per him he didn’t achieve all his dreams..

I heard him silently and wished he would get to fulfill his dreams.. Coz.. there is no better feeling than achieving and there is no worse feeling than regret..

When i wished him goodnight and came back to my room.. I sort of felt helpless.. Wished i couldve helped my dad in anyway.. All i could do was hear him out..

Ive realised the older im getting the more Im valuing my family and what they mean to me.. I used to (and many times still do) argue, ignore and take my family for granted.. But now that sis is in dubai and another sis is married and away from home.. I miss all that chaos that used to be my house with 3 sisters and my parents.. I miss that fish market with everyone shouting at the top of their voice to get each others attention! I miss all the fights, discussions and also the 4 of us climing on top of each other in a big group hug!

Life moves on I guess.. But I wish we could relive few moments.. Moments which make life worth it in the first place..

]]> http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/missing-sis-worried-about-dad-reflecting-on-life/feed/ 1 rajivdingra http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2009/02/01/we-choose-our-own-success-or-failure/ http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2009/02/01/we-choose-our-own-success-or-failure/#comments Sun, 01 Feb 2009 15:55:47 +0000 rajivdingra http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/?p=86 ]]> Just watched Luck by Chance and it was a good movie to watch.. Some of the dialogues were deeper than they first seem to be.. One such was “We choose our own success or failure” .. Profound indeed if you ponder over it..

The way i thought about this was.. What we term as success for ourselves could very well be failure for someone else.. Ive always been contemplating as to what means success to me and what failure means..

Ive always had to sacrifice one thing for another.. Like family for work.. love for work and vice versa.. I guess men dont multitask that well.. I can only focus at one thing at a time which means I usually end up compromising..

One other thing is deciding one’s level of enough where you reach and say.. Yea Im successful in this lets move on to other things in life and expand my horizons..

Deep questions indeed.. Ive always found insights in movies that Ive watched.. Ofcouse books are other source of insight and real life experiences are even better (thats when you get time to reflect on them)..

The only form of selfless love ive experienced is from her.. Its so rare in this world.. Its not like my mum used to pamper me infact quite on the contrary.. She wouldn’t let me watch tv at night.. she wouldn’t take my tantrums on food and would stuff whatever was made into my mouth..

She also would go for her morning walks even though i would hug her tight in the morning wanting her not to go..

Knowing all this you might ask did she even love me? Well she did… She would do anything that would help me grow into a better human being..

The incident I remember distinctly is in the year 1997.. I was wanting to take french in school but the school guys wouldn’t let me.. My mum who at that time was suffering from cancer left no stone unturned to make sure i got french in school.. I didn’t let her down.. She expired in 1998 but I did well in french both in school and in college..

Its been 10 years and Ive been searching for that kind of selfless love in every girl ive met.. Its rare.. Ive not felt as secure in 10 years as I felt when I gave my mum a hug at night.. Very few people can make you feel like that.. When you find such people.. make sure you hold on to them no matter what.. Life requires a lot of strength to get through it.. A lot of our strength comes from within.. But when someone like that holds you hand and you know that incase something breaks inside this person on the outside with help you put the pieces together then there aint no better feeling than that..

Selfless love is rare.. Treasure it!

I sometimes wondered.. Where are these people going? Most of them with little or no expression on their face.. As if life deserted them.. Its makes you feel sad.. But once in a while there used to be a small kid travelling in the train who would be so cheerful that the people sitting beside him/her would smile a little..

Kids have that magic in them they are the closest to god i.e. they must have met god only a few years back and people like us who are 20 and above years old have already forgotten him.. Maybe thats why kids are happy.. and so free.. fearless.. and all things other people want to be..

But what about those thousands of faces where were they headed.. every day.. so many of them are running every morning.. even evening.. made life exciting but with little purpose.. Why are so many people running? and where are they trying to reach??

We all die in the end don’t we? Then where are so many people running?? One day I just stood at the platform.. looking at people run.. It made me realise i was so common.. like them.. part of a crowd.. running to nowhere..

Sometimes the greatest lessons in life is learnt when you stop and look around rather than go with the flow.. Maybe if we stop and look around we might find the path we want to go which isnt where everyone else is headed..

]]> http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2008/09/11/running-hard-try-to-reach-nowhere/feed/ 0 rajivdingra http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2008/09/07/the-world-is-round-my-dear-it-will-all-come-back/ http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2008/09/07/the-world-is-round-my-dear-it-will-all-come-back/#comments Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:26:29 +0000 rajivdingra http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/?p=74 ]]> What do you do when someone is rude to you? Well smile.. Coz the world is round.. Dont give what you don’t like to get.. Its not that easy as it sounds.. A lot of times situations are such that we all end up screwing things up and others suffer due to us.. Not that we ever meant it but I guess screwing up is the only way we grow up!

Ive screwed up many times in my life.. A lot of times I was immature and sometimes I was just in a bad situation and tried to escape it..

But all the time I never did anything intentionally.. I am a guy driven by emotions and things get very complicated when you have to choose between people, career and family when you are an emotionally charged person like me..

So yes we all screw up.. But then what do we do after that? Do we say sorry? Can we remember one person whom we owe an apology and we haven’t yet apologize? I can remember quite a few and many Im not in contact with and have no way to contact either (phone’s lost.. number lost) but still have I tried? Nope.. Well this is what happens we hurt others and forget saying sorry thinking it wont matter.. But more than them it matters to us.. Coz the very fact we can remember those whom we hurt means our conscience isn’t clear.. You are carrying a burden my friend.. Imagine how far in life will you get with burden??

Recently I said sorry to someone for what I did and I had meant it genuinely.. But the person got angry possibly because that person got reminded of the hurt.. And instead of letting bygones be bygones the person got irritated and stopped talking to me.. Its funny! Till I had not apologized she was fine with talking to me.. The moment I did she remembered her hurt and got pissed with me.. Did I make a mistake apologizing???

Well not really.. I guess that person was a kind of person who buries hurts and forgets but never forgives.. I cant do much but atleast Im happy I took one burden off my shoulders.. Hopefully one day that person will understand why forgiveness is the greatest gift! Forgiveness onto others and forgiveness towards oneself..

Its true what you give is what you get.. So be very careful.. its better to give forgiveness than anger.. Its better to give love than hatred.. Its better to be nice than naughty.. err well a lil naughty is fine I guess you get the drift.. so go out there and give all the nice things and wait.. Nice things will come back! (Psst.. Same may not apply for naughty )

1) get up late

2) Eat like a dog

3) Watch tv like a sack of potatoes kept on the sofa

4) Watch movies like ive never seen them

5) Lissen to music and dance in front of the mirror.. Yea i appreciate my own dancing!

6) If all else fails read a book..

When family is around we go visiting our extended family and the get togethers are super fun!

Now before she reads this and kills me i must clarify we are just friends.. I dont feel anything for her beyond friendship but yea she is my oldest friend.. not the bestest yet.. I guess we have different lives.. and also the fact that she lives in kharghar which is super far away from my place..

But nonetheless she was and i think will remain the girl I danced the most with.. (we did some 50 odd dances together.. so its tuff to beat..)

Was just coaxing her today to come with me to join one of these fancy dance classes.. u know the jive and salsa types.. but i guess she is scared of me (D if ur reading this BOO) .. I think she feels I will dance better than her and she would feel inferior.. (D i know u hate me.. but i still love u!! lolz)

Well i dont blame her I am a better dancer.. (though a lil out of touch these days) but still.. Im sure I can kick anyones ass when it comes to grooving to music.. I remember not to looong ago i had danced with someone on its the time to disco.. was one of my best dance moments.. also thinking abt that i recollect that women usually giggle when they have nuthin to say… and if u stare at them.. they say WAT??…lolz

]]> http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/me-and-my-dancing-partner/feed/ 6 rajivdingra http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/negativity-i-will-ignore-you/ http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/negativity-i-will-ignore-you/#comments Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:24:35 +0000 rajivdingra http://rajivdingra.wordpress.com/?p=65 ]]> I choose to ignore.. shut out.. abandon.. and if all fails even kill negativity… Ive realised that more often than not i come across nah sayers who feel what Im doing is wrong.. What looks wrong now may not be wrong 3-4 months down the line.. Its funny how your quality of life is completely dependant upon how much you believe and back yourself.. Inspite of all the brickbats and Nahhh you get from people..

Its a tough life.. A lonely life.. but if you believe then stand by what you are doing.. those who desert you today will join you tomorrow.. Your belief is your greatest asset and the best way to kill negativity..

It wont be easy.. Nothing ever is.. But It will be worth it.. One day.. You will be proud.. That you fought.. Fought hard.. And conquered!